504. Ascension Day?

Thank you to my godmother Juliette for this gem:

A friend of mine used to teach Sunday School at a church in Rosario (Argentina) and one little boy told his mother that "Mrs Fisher told us that Jesus went to heaven in a rowing boat on Ascension Day. "

Mystified, his mother asked Mrs Fisher "What did you tell the children about Ascension Day?" 

Mrs Fisher was just as puzzled until it dawned on her that she may have said "Jesus rose to heaven".

-oOo-

503. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series (11)

Advertisement in Welsh hairdressers:  "Before using your hair tonic I had three bald patches.  Now I only have one."

-oOo-

502. What we mean is what we don't say... (28)

We say:  Hrrrmph!  Cough!  Cough!  Hrrmph!  Excuse me, tickle in throat...

We mean: I'll bet they can't tell I've just farted.  They'll never know the noises were coming from both ends...

What it says about us:  And if I need to scratch my b******s later I'll pretend I'm adjusting my clothing.

-oOo-

501. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (57)

When working in Oakdale colliery there was a man who carried the ambulance box and who fainted at the sight of blood - he was called Dr Faint-Easy.  He carried the box for the 5 shillings (25p) a week.

When working in the Rockwool factory there was a man who when he started had a newspaper in his pocket and was known as Echo.  A Dicky Gums - he didn't have any teeth.  A Billy Whizz because he walked so fast.  There was an Egg-on because he was short and fat.  Spikey for his crew-cut hair.  It seems that just about everyone had a nickname and answered to it.

Leslie Phillips (ex Blackwood) now Barry.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

500. Not that colourful...

Harassed teacher:  Now children, you should all have a little prism on your desks - ready?  Now, face the window and hold it up to the light, and you should be able to see all the colours of the rectum...

-oOo-

Thanks to Anna.

499. Exam papers (25 of 25)

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498. You're in the Army now...

Christmas time...

Mother:  How was school today?

Son (9):  We had a visit from the South Asian Army.  They came right into the playground!

Mother: (uncertainly) Oh - and what did they do?

Son:  They had trumpets and things, and sang lots of carols, and we sang too.

(Thank you to Hilary)

-oOo-

497. What we mean is what we don't say... (27)

We say:  How are you?

We mean:  Don't tell me, just say 'fine' and then get on with asking me the same daft question, and I won't tell you either...

What it says about us:  How else do we get going here...

-oOo-

496. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (56)

Throughout the sixties and seventies our local coal delivery man was affectionately known as Glyn-and-Glo. 

I worked at a large office in Swansea during the 1980s with a David Davies - he was known as Dai Twice.

Sian Willis, Llanelli

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

495. Granny Talk

Granny Aititi (82):  That child is a treasure.

Gustavo (38):  We should bury him then.

Sister (20):  I was just thinking the exact same thing...

(Gustavo says - wow, it's catching...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

494. Exam Papers (24 of 25)

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493. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series (10)

A Welsh physicist - Dai-Atomic.

-oOo-

http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

492. What we mean is what we don't say... (26)

We say:  Mustn't grumble.

We mean:  I'd love to though - persuade me?

What it says about us:  Here's the thing - I want to grumble and I want to be liked...

-oOo-

491. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (55)

This page wouldn't be complete without the infamous Trev the Milk of Tredegar, or the phramacist Dai the Pill.

Kathryn Powell, formerly of Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

490. In Church

Little girl in a whisper to her mother (6):  Who are the Lloyds Mummy?

Mother:  I don't know darling, who said that?

Little girl:  the vicar ... (seeing mother frown).... yes, he said we had to pray for them...  (the frown deepens so the little girl's voice gets louder).... we had to say the Lloyds Prayer, remember?

-oOo-

489. Exam Papers (23 of 25)

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488. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (54)

I remember an Apple Edwards from Tynte (he was fond of the cider).  He would always be on the last bus down the valley, three sheets to the wind, on his knees in the aisle serenading the whole bus with Al Jolson numbers until we reached his stop.

Martin Barclay now in Cardiff

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

487. What we mean is what we don't say... (25)

We say:  Oh well, never mind...

We mean:  I'm bored with your complaint.  Change the subject, will you?

What it says about us:  There's only so much negativity one can take...

-oOo-

486. Visit to Madame Tussauds, London

Mother:  Well, did you like all you saw?

12 year old visitor (male):  It's OK... but I didn't see the swords.

Mother:  What swords?

Visitor:  The swords of the lady - why couldn't we see them?

Mother:  I don't know what you're talking about.

Visitor (impatiently):  Yes you DO, we never saw Madame Two Swords.......

-oOo-

485. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series (9)

Mr Williams, the local chiropodist:  Williams the Corn-Curer.

-oOo-

484. Exam Papers (22 of 25)

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483. Junior outpatient

Kindly nurse (40) (who is distracting little girl from the uncomfortable procedure being done to her):  So what does your Daddy do for a living?

Patient, female, 8:  He's a builder.

Nurse:  Oh that' nice.  And your Mummy?

Patient:  Dunno...

Nurse:  Maybe she doesn't work because she stays at home to look after you?

Patient:  Yes but she could work cos Daddy says she could talk for a living.

-oOo-

482. What we mean is what we don't say... (24)

(Carrying on from post 477...)

We say:  Hope the weather's nice for you!       
.

We mean:  Well, the subject has to get mentioned in the same breath as the holiday, doesn't it?

What it says about us:  It's not as if we'll be able to compete from the UK, is it?

-oOo-

481. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (53)

There was a character in Ynysboeth called Terry Book'ew, because he was going to tell the police on us kids all the time when we played in the Boeth Park.

Ruth Barclay, Ynysboeth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

480. A new App?

Scene:  Enthusiastic work colleague keen to show a new starter how to perform an operation on her computer.

Colleague (female, 30s):  Here, let me show you how to do this…. (nothing happens on the screen) Oh come on….  Why is this mouse not working?

New starter (female, 20s):  Because you’re using my iPhone as a mouse?

-oOo-

479. Exam Papers (21 of 25)

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478. Overheard on the underground/subway, Buenos Aires

Hot chick (29):  ...and when he came into the gym... well it was like an epilepsy.  I suddenly understood everything...

Gustavo's comment:  And if it had been like an epiphany, she might have fallen on the floor and started to shake with her tongue going backwards...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

477. What we mean is what we don't say... (23)

We say:  Have lots of fun!  have a lovely time!

We mean:  But not too much... well, one has to say something.

What is says about us: I don't want to think about you having a lovely time, in case I won't be.

-oOo-

476. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (52)

In Ogilvie colliery we had a ventilation officer called Billy Fresh Air.

Glyn Smith, Abertillery

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

475. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series (8)

After H.G. Wells discovered that Oliver Cromwell's real name was Williams and that his ancestors came from Margam, he always referred to the great man as "Williams the Conqueror".

-oOo-

474. Exam Papers (20 of 25)

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