Monday, 30 September 2013

1082. To choke or not to choke...

Recommendation: Unless you need to incorporate cellulose fibre into your diet on medical advice, it’s better to remove the paper cases from cupcakes before eating them.

Gustavo’s comment: As usual, I didn’t follow my own recommendation.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Friday, 27 September 2013

1079. Grumpy Old Quotes (31)

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model.  Kate Moss?  Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

Dawn French
(Comedienne of generous proportions)

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.



Thursday, 26 September 2013

1078. Of girls and grills

Overheard at the hospital.  A secretary and a nurse are talking about how little sleep they get.

Jen, Medical Secretary (48, divorced):  .... I listen to the farming news on the radio every morning, I get up really early.  My eldest Lisa, she's 19 and studying nursing at North Hospital, you see.  I have to get up early to give her a lift to work every day.

Nurse (45):  But aren't you on a bus route to North Hospital?  Can't she take the bus?

Jen:  Well, yes, but she's used to me giving her a lift - and she does come home on the bus... She wants a meal when she gets home, she's tired...   Mind you I put in a full day too, I get tired as well.  Anyway, Lisa doesn't know how to cook...

Nurse:  Have you tried teaching her?

Jen:  Oh yes, but it goes in one ear and out the other!  She can make snacks for herself, mind.  Then by the time I've washed up the dinner things and put some washloads on, it's past bedtime and I'm knackered...    (Her mobile rings).  Excuse me a sec.

.... Hello?  Oh hi Leese, alright?  Where are you? ....... You're making toast. ....... The grill?  What's wrong with the grill?  It was working fine this morning.............. (silence while Lisa talks)....   well of course it won't toast both sides, you got to turn it over..... OK, see you later.  (Rings off) .  She's got the day off today.  Honestly, what is she like....

(Picks up the file she came to get and disappears, with the nurse still looking at her speechlessly).

-oOo-

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

1077. Kulula Airlines (32)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



-oOo-

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Monday, 23 September 2013

1075. Has this happened to you?

(Not my own story, but worth telling, I think...)

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I found with increasing desperation that I couldn't find my keys.  They weren't in my pockets, nor had I left them in the meeting room.

And then I realised I must have left them in the car.  Worried, I headed for the parking lot at the double.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the ignition (my theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them; his theory is that it's the best way to get the car stolen.  Well anyway.)

When I reached the car park I came to the terrifying conclusion that he was right (this time) - the parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location and confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.  They took down my details and about the tracker device on the car.

Then came the worst bit, and I must admit I hesitated for a while, pacing up and down and wondering how to tell my husband.  Eventually I rang him - "Darling" I said in my best panicky voice (I always call him 'darling' when an apology will inevitably follow) - "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen..."

Silence, except for bleeps and voices in the background.

"Darling?  I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have...."

"What ARE you talking about?"  he barked,  "I dropped you off this morning in your car while mine is being serviced, remember?"

My turn to be silent, digesting this information and the waste of guilt it represented.

"Well," I said with all the bravado I could muster.  "Come and get me then..."

"Oh I will", he retorted "just as soon as I can convince this copper that I didn't steal your car."

-oOo-

Saturday, 21 September 2013

1073. Overheard on the London underground/tube/subway (6)

After a five minute wait for doors to shut on tube, driver makes an announcement:

"For those of you who have just joined us, we've been slightly held up by a passenger emergency alarm being activated in one of the rear carriages, as one passenger was unfortunately taken ill.  Just so you know, she has now been thrown out and thoroughly beaten up for making you all wait here unnecessarily.  For consideration to others therefore, if anyone else feels like passing out, could you please try and hold on until we get to Stratford.  Thanks."

Overheard by Rob, waiting at Canada Water, Jubilee Line, just after midnight.

-oOo-

Friday, 20 September 2013

1072. Getting busy with the fizzy...

Recommendation: If your wife tells you five or six thousand times ‘don’t put fizzy drinks in the baby’s sippy cup with the straw’, follow her advice because otherwise when you snap the lid closed the drink inevitably gushes out of the straw like a fountain and goes on, and on, and on...


Gustavo’s comment: As usual, I didn’t follow my own recommendation.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Thursday, 19 September 2013

1071. Overheard at the hospital

Hospital postmen as they trundle down the main corridor with their mail trolleys:

Postman 1:  That Charley, he's a right peril, doesn't know what he's doin'...

Postman 2:  Why sat den?

Postman 1:  You know Trym Ward, upstairs?  They've been getting shitloads of post from all over the place, couldn't understand it.  They had to investigate, and found it was good ole' Charley.

Postman 2:  Was he delivering all his post to one place so's he didn't have to bother with the rest?

Postman 1:  Nope.  He was reading on the envelopes that they were addressed to "Southmead Hospital, Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol" so he reckons what they meant was Trym Ward...  Poor sods got the post for the whole hospital for a couple of days....

Postman 2:  That Charley, he's a card, inn' 'e?

-oOo-

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

1069. Grumpy Old Quotes (30)

My memory is going.  I brush my teeth, and then 10 minutes later I go back and have to feel the toothbrush.  Is it wet?  Did I just brush them?

Terry Gillam

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

1067. Kulula Airlines (31)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


-oOo-

Saturday, 14 September 2013

1066. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (117)

My cousin from Morganstown is named David David, and was known as Dai Squared.

Bob David, Pembroke

-oOo-

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

1063. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube (5)

Announcement over the PA system:

'We are now travelling through Baker Street.  As you can see, Baker Street is closed.  It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

-oOo-

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

1062. What we mean is what we don't say...(103)

What we say"We must be environmentally conscious, be 'green', tread lightly..."

What we don't say:  As long as it doesn't inconvenience me too much or impinge on my quality of life.

What we mean:  If I want to travel by plane on my six holidays a year it's none of your business.

-oOo-

Sunday, 8 September 2013

1061. Cuttings from British Newspapers (6)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.  He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler' "

Bournemouth Evening Echo


-oOo-

Friday, 6 September 2013

1059. Grumpy Old Quotes (29)

You know you're over the hill when the only whistles you get are from the tea kettle.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

1058. A bigger playground

Chav dials on his mobile.
Chav (28):  I called you yesterday and you cut me off........so see how I’m cutting you off now. (Hangs up)
Mobile:  ring ring ring
Chav:  Hi.......... ah so you think I’m an asshole for cutting you off? – OK, I’ll save you the trouble of having to talk to an asshole.  (Hangs up).
Gustavo’s comment:  Grown up, aren't we?
-oOo-
(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

1057. Kulula Airlines (30)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"




-oOo-

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Monday, 2 September 2013

1055. Remotely speaking

Recommendation:  You can try checking whether it's got batteries, you can try pressing the buttons more firmly, or stand up on tip toe and stretch out your arm as far as it will go so as to be that bit closer, but you'll never manage to switch on the air-conditioning using the television's remote control.

(Obviously I didn't follow my own advice)

Loosely translated from one of the posts on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-