Saturday, 27 April 2013

942. What we say is what we don't mean... (95)

We say:  Sorry I haven't written, I've been so busy...

We mean:  If I start my letter/e-mail with this phrase it will stop you from nagging me, and show you how very important every second of my day is.

What it says about us Facebook and Tweeting are more interesting than you are.

-oOo-

Friday, 26 April 2013

941. Celebrity Quotes (32)

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat.

-oOo-

Thursday, 25 April 2013

940. Grumpy Old Quotes (19)

In his later years Pablo Picasso was not allowed to roam an art gallery unattended, for he had previously been discovered in the act of trying to improve on one of his old masterpieces.

Anon
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

939. Answers to Hecklers (20)

Rufus Hound (to bar staff):  "Can we get some crayons and a menu for this guy to colour in, please?"

-oOo-

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

938. Quick Quips (1)

Q:  What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A:   Subordinate Clauses.

-oOo-

Monday, 22 April 2013

937. Kulula Airlines (18)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.


In-flight announcement:

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

-oOo-

Sunday, 21 April 2013

936. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (104)

1.  In Oakdale Colliery there was a young minder who wore glasses, and he was known as Dai-Windows.  Some years later he was prescribed much thicker lenses, and he became Dai-Double-Glazing;

2.  Another workmate was due to get married on Saturday, but an iron bar fell across his feet on the Wednesday before and swelled up so much that he couldn't get his shoes on, so he had to resort to wearing his slippers.  From that point on, he was known as Dai-Quiet-Wedding.

3.  There was a young lad from Argoed who done everything at full speed, he was known as Ianto-Full-Pelt.

4.  When I worked at Penalta Colliery in the early 1950s, the pit bottom overman was known as Dai-the-Bobby.  I was informed that he was a special constable during World War II.

5.  I can recall a friend from Libanus School, Blackwood, whose name was John John.  I was simply known as John-Two.

Keith Richards from Blackwood

-oOo-

Saturday, 20 April 2013

935. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (21)

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.

-oOo-

Thursday, 18 April 2013

933. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (14)

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

-oOo-

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

932. What we mean is what we don't say... (94)

We sayI'm going to be a bit late, I'm held up in traffic.

We mean:  I'm going to be late, I've only just left home.

What it says about us: Mobile phones are the greatest invention in the world, aren't they?

-oOo-

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

931. Celebrity Quotes (31)

The fundamental cause of trouble in the world is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

-oOo-

Monday, 15 April 2013

930. Grumpy Old Quotes (18)

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't.  A sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is.

Horace Walpole
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

929. Answers to Hecklers (19)

Jeremy Hardy:  "Nigel, it's over.  Can't you understand that?"

-oOo-

Saturday, 13 April 2013

928. Breakfast Prayer

Quoted to me by Bernadette, on my visit to Ireland in 2012.

Lord make me not like porridge - thick, stodgy and difficult to stir; make me more like cornflakes - light, crispy and always ready to serve.

-oOo-

Friday, 12 April 2013

927. Kulula Airlines (17)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.


In-flight announcement:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

-oOo-

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Sunday, 7 April 2013

922. What we mean is what we don't say... (93)

We sayI ran out of time.

We mean:  Useful little euphemism, that.  Makes me sound businesslike - as if I had an overloaded schedule.

What is says about us:  Sometimes it's because I'm disorganised, and at other times it's because I simply can't be bothered to fit in whatever it was that was asked of me.

-oOo-

Saturday, 6 April 2013

921. Celebrity Quotes (30)

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change.  After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.

- Sylvester Stallone, Actor

-oOo-

Friday, 5 April 2013

920. Grumpy Old Quotes (17)

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they do make wonderful ancestors.

Anon
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

919. Answers to Hecklers (18)

Heckler:  "You're ugly".

Jim Smallman:  "And yet your missus still prefers me to you."

-oOo-

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

918. Wosstime?

At Birmingham New Street railway station some time in the seventies, awaiting train to Bristol after a long day of meetings.

Company Director No. 1 (64):  I thought you said the train left at 22:22

Company Director No. 2 (44):  No, it arrives at 22.22, I said it leaves here at twenty-to-eight.

... No. 1:  That's what I SAID. On the 24-hour clock twenty is eight.

... No. 2:  No (slowly).  It leaves here at 19:40 and arrives at Temple Meads, Bristol, at 22:22.

...No. 1:  That's after 10 on the 24 hour clock - you young fellows don't understand the 24 hour clock, you had to know it during the war, you know.

... No. 2:  Mmm.

-oOo-

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

917. Kulula Airlines (16)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

-oOo-

Monday, 1 April 2013

916. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (102)

My grandmother Margaret A'Herne (née Evans), a Markham girl born and bred, was at one time a post woman (delivering letters) and has for evermore been called Magg-the-Post.

A gentleman, Aeron, who lived in the same street as my family, had a 50cc motorcycle and was known as Aeron-Put-Put due to the noise of his bike.

Yet another gentleman was known as Dai-Over-The-Wall due to having a prompensity for nosiness, looking over other people's back walls.

Darren Williams, Markham

-oOo-