Thursday, 28 February 2013

888. Comebacks (19)

Man 1:  How many people work in your office?

Man 2:  About half of them.


-oOo-

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

887. Kulula Airlines (13)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-oOo-

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

886. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (99)

When I attended training college in Swansea during 1969-1971, there was a student who earned the nickname John-Williams-Undecided.  When asked which course he was opting for ... well you don't need me to tell you what his reply was, do you?  The name stuck throughout college.

In the village I grew up in, Gowerton, we had a number Joneses, Jones-Ty-Rhos and Jones-Ty-Rhiw (neighbouring cottages); Ken-Jones-the-Milk (milkman); Mrs-Jones-Gas and Mrs-Jones-Waterman (named for their husband's trades).  Fond memories.

Angela Coles, Wrexham

-oOo-

Friday, 22 February 2013

883. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (9)

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong.  He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

-oOo-

Thursday, 21 February 2013

882. What we mean is what we don't say... (89)

We saySo sorry to hear you've got cancer... a lot of people seem to have it these days... I've got an uncle who has it, in the colon, and a friend, she's got breast cancer, and...

We meanWell of course I'm sympathetic - what made you think I wasn't?  But one doesn't want to dwell on bad news, does one?

What is says about usMy conversation is triggered by key words.  If you'd been burgled, for example, I would have told you about the time I was burgled, and when it happened to my Mum, and...

-oOo-

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

881. Celebrity Quotes (26)

My mother never saw the irony in callng me a son-of-a-bitch.

- Jack Nicholson

-oOo-

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

880. Grumpy Old Quotes (13)

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

Anon
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, 18 February 2013

879. Answers to Hecklers (14)

Nigel Planer (As Neil from The Young ones, in a live show):  "In ten years' time, right? they're going to have, like, educationally streamed supermarkets, OK? ... And you'll need, like, at least three GCSEs to buy a pound of sausages, yeah?  .... And you're going to STARVE."

-oOo-

Sunday, 17 February 2013

878. Comebacks (18)

She:  You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundred times.

He:  Yeah, but your parents don't count...

-oOo-

Friday, 15 February 2013

877. Kulula Airlines (12)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.


-oOo-

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

875. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (15)

He's several sausages short of a barbecue.  If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

-oOo-

Monday, 11 February 2013

873. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (8)

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.  Your brochure shows the sand as yellow, but it was white."

-oOo-

Sunday, 10 February 2013

872. What we mean is what we don't say... (88)

What we sayIt's not me you've let down.  You've let yourself down.

What we mean:  My father used to say this to me, and his father used to say it to him.  Goodness knows what it means.

What it says about us:  I do like sounding like a wise parent.

-oOo-

Saturday, 9 February 2013

871. Celebrity Quotes (25)

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

- Sharon Stone

-oOo-

Friday, 8 February 2013

870. Grumpy Old Quotes (12)

General Sir Jeremy MacKenzie, referring to a Chelsea pensioner -

When they were asked what they thought of a phone mast being erected on the adjacent military museum, one 97-year-old raised his hand to ask, "Will it make us sterile?'

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

869. Answers to Hecklers (13)

Heckler:  "Tell us a joke".

Dan Antopolski:  "Your mum fell into some cheese sandwiches, and she got covered in cheese.  Absolutely covered in it.  She stank of cheese.  And hundreds of mice came from miles around, drawn to her by the smell of cheese.  She was covered in mice.  Overcome by them.  But she was glad of the company, because YOU NEVER CALL."

-oOo-

868. Comebacks (17)

Old Wife:  Shall I put the TV on?

Old Man:  Well it would certainly improve the view.

-oOo-

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

867. Kulula Airlines (11)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.


-oOo-

Sunday, 3 February 2013